Will Taylor Swift’s Next Great Breakup Song Be About Us?
Tom Woldum
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She has already sold out two shows at U.S. Bank Stadium this year, but Taylor Swift may be back on Sunday.
Her is-he-or-isn’t-he boyfriend Travis Kelce and his employer, the Kansas City Chiefs, travel to Minnesota to take on the Vikings this weekend, and Swift has been in attendance for each of the past two Chiefs games. Seemingly, three times would be the charm, at least for Vikings fans/casual observers with a love for modern music.
Swifties of the Greater Twin Cities Metro Area are united in their hopes and prayers that she’ll return, that she’ll sing the national anthem, that she’ll banish the players to a nearby high school field of their choosing while she plays an impromptu three-hour set of “Eras” tour favorites.
Football fans worldwide are divided; some would be on board with the Swiftie wish, so long as they were allowed to keep their cell phones on hand and track their fantasy football results while soaking in the ultimate in musical entertainment.
Others, of course, had had enough during last week’s Jets-Chiefs game when the cameras cut to Taylor’s box no less than seventeen (17) times while she cheered her maybe-boyfriend and his teammates on to victory. “Enough!” these fun-haters have declared, wanting only to watch their favorite team in peace without the constant interruptions from America’s Sweetheart. “Just bring back the days when NBC would cut to 17 different hot blondes throughout the game, not the same one over and over” they would cry.
Just ask Travis Kelce. The “Taylor Swift Effect” has been in full swing for only a few weeks thus far, but sales of his jersey have reportedly jumped 400% in that time. His personal brand has seemingly eclipsed his value as a fantasy football draft pick, no small feat given his stature within the game. But being the best tight end in football could only take him so far. Being allowed into the orbit of Ms. Swift has taken Kelce the rest of the way to the top.
Minneapolis and the Taylor Swift Effect
And what about Minnesotans? Well, let’s just say that everyone from the Mayor on down is locked in at the mere possibility that Swift may return to the scene of her summer triumph at The People’s Stadium and that her mere presence may improve our collective stature, our group self-esteem, and, of course, our local economy.
Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey was quoted by Cosmo as being extremely excited. “We know all too well [see what he did there?] the positive impact Taylor Swift has on the cities she visits—Minneapolis is no exception.” (Editor’s note: this is the first known reference to Cosmopolitan Magazine ever to appear on PurplePTSD or any of its related football sites).
Minnesotans are a notoriously sensitive lot, and our insecurities have a way of bubbling to the surface whenever the national press is involved. No sooner have we finally cast aside the deep shadow of the Minnesota Twins losing 18 consecutive playoff games—an all time professional sports record—but now there’s a new, even more ominous possibility hanging over all of our heads: what if she doesn’t come? What a blow to our self-esteem that would be!
When Swift appeared in a private box in Kansas City to watch Kelce’s Chiefs play a home game, that made perfect sense—all of America should certainly bear witness to Taylor’s “Meet the Parents” moment as she instantly became Travis’ mom Donna’s new bestie. The following week, the Chiefs visited New York City, where Taylor lives, so it was only natural that she would grab a few buddies and whow up for the game. Buddies like Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Hugh Jackman, Sophie Turner and of course Donna Kelce, who is now in line for an above-the-line co-starring gig in Jackman’s next film.
What Will Taylor Do?
This week is different. Taylor Swift has a decision to make. Does she keep following her new boyfriend around? Does she double down on her newfound football fandom? Does she get on a private plane and fly back to Minneapolis/St. Paul where she will elevate the self esteem of an entire metro area with her mere presence? Or does she throw on some sweat pants, heat up a DiGiorno Pizza, and watch the game at home like the rest of us?
I think the odds are probably 3:2 against. And if so, one thing is for certain: her failure to attend will instantly send a signal to the insecure masses far and wide that Minneapolis/St. Paul is no longer worthy. Where only a few months ago she let Minnesota in on a conspiratorial moment at her concert, when she played the scathing breakup tearjerker “Dear John” for the first time in a decade; now, if she shuns us, we’ll all be feeling as low and worthless as John Meyer felt when he figured out that song was about him.
We’ll do what we always do—we’ll wallow in it, and pray for some unforeseen force to lift us up and out of the muck, proving to ourselves and the world that we are somehow still as worthy as the Milwaukees and Charlottes and Denvers of the country–reasonably respected mid-market cities all–despite our failures and our flaws, despite the snobs and the snubs. Maybe the Vikings will do the honor for us, by finding a way to beat the defending Super Bowl Champions. Or maybe Taylor Swift will write a song about us, and restore our faith in her, and in ourselves.
Or, maybe, just maybe, the world will continue to spin happily on its own axis, oblivious to the petty insecurities of a small group of citizens congregated on the north 45th parallel of North America. But hey, that probably won’t happen unless Miss Americana shows up at U.S. Bank Stadium on Sunday.
