National Beard Champion Ranks The Vikings Top Beards
MJ Johnson
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Let’s face it. If you have a one of the meanest mustaches on Earth adorning your logo you will be the envy of the sports world and will be permanently linked with impressive facial hair. The Vikings as a franchise have achieved this stature.
Viktor The Viking comfortably sits atop the rankings when looking at the best beards or mustaches in the entire world of sports mascots.
The “Playoff Beard” is now a part of global sports culture.
These are just a few good reasons to shine some extra light on the Minnesota Vikings when it comes to beards.
The 2018 roster of Vikings players might have a claim as one of the best bearded teams in Vikings history. But, how do they stack up against each other?
My name is MJ Johnson. I’m a 4-time National Beard and Moustache Champion, a current World Beard and Moustache Champion, and @razorhater on Instagram.
Photo by Lasse Bak Mejlvang
With help from American Mustache Institute (www.americanmustacheinstitute.org) I have put together the OFFICIAL 2018 Preseason Minnesota Vikings Beard Rankings.
Let’s take a quick look at what goes into the highly official final rankings and some noble thoughts from American Mustache Institute before we dive into the prestige and triumph of the official list.
The beard rating algorithm includes these criteria set to complicated numeric values… Bearditude, Endurance, Magnificence, Aggressiveness, and Virility.
I asked AMI what a mustache brings to the table as far as sports goes. They had quite a bit to say…
“Through the use of cutting-edge research techniques in the field of Nuclear Mustachology, our clinical investigators have proven that a mustache can fundamentally improve an athlete’s output by an average of 37.4%. This has, of course, led to a significant uptick in recent years, with the mustache being the only performance-enhancing facial supplement still allowed by every sport worldwide (sans male synchronized water aerobics).”
Since the debut of the Minnesota Vikings in 1961 a mustache has been prominently featured on their logo. I asked AMI what that says about the state as a whole…
“Minnesota has long been a mustache-friendly state, and a leader in this area among the fifty states of our great union. Whether it’s the Minnesota Wild setting the world record for most mustached individuals in one place, the electorate voting into gubernatorial office a Mustached-American former professional wrestler, or the forward-thinking design that has adorned the Viking logo for 57 years, the North Star State has always been a safe-haven for those of us actively living a sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle.”
AMI, what type of lifestyle do you think the mustached Norseman featured in the logo may have lived?
“We reached out to the Institute’s Director of Historical Mustache Trends and Flashdance Coordinator, Professor Malcolm San Francisco, who noted that while many popular culture beliefs about Vikings entail a habit of pillaging and plundering, the truth is these Nordic Ne’er-do-wells were actually kind, family-oriented, and generous lovers. The falsehoods and fabrications are one of the oldest pieces of evidence we have of the bald-faced majority using their collective power to shame the exceedingly handsome toeheads from the North, and depicting their well-groomed and impressive mouthbrows as sure signs of inherent depravedness.”
Finally, I asked AMI, scientifically speaking does a Playoff Beard make you and your team stronger?
“Whether it’s a playoff beard, mustache, muttonchops, or goatee, the synergy created from the increased collective good looks of the fanbase is both measurable and palpable. When newscasters describe a “buzz in the air”, that electricity is actually being driven by the increase in lower-nose foliage units (LNFUs). This buzz has the potential to increase the collective endurance and strength of the players on the field, and can certainly add a degree of advantage. Furthermore, this is why there has never once been mention of a”buzz in the air” at any male synchronized water aerobics event.”
Wow. Powerful stuff.
Now it’s time to dig into the Official 2018 Preseason Minnesota Viking Beard Rankings. Anyone who cracked the Top 10 did an amazing job as the list could’ve easily been 40 deep.
#10 Stefon Diggs WR
Crisp and sharp… just like his routes.
Photo from Vikings.com
#9 Anthony Barr LB
Best Vikings LB full beard… barr none.
Photo from Vikings.com
#8 Adam Thielen WR
Would soar up the rankings if he wielded this powerful beard more often.
(Pioneer Press: John Autey)
#7 Andrew Sendejo S
It’s a serious beard and might provide extra cushion under the chinstrap for all those monster hits.
Photo from Vikings.com
#6 Tyler Conklin TE
Long hair, don’t care.
Photo from Vikings.com
#5 Dalvin Cook RB
Looking back on past photos this is DC’s best beard ever… just in time for his biggest season ever.
Photo from Vikings.com
#4 Ben Gedeon LB
Sometimes a moustache comes along in life that is so powerful it can defeat most full beards. A triumph. Achieved the highest 2018 Vikings algorithm score for ‘Magnificence’.
#3 Linval Joseph DL
By the end of the season it wouldn’t surprise me if Joseph swim moves his way to the top of this list. Incredible. Achieved the highest 2018 Vikings algorithm score for ‘Bearditude’.
Photo from Vikings.com
#2 Sheldon Richardson DL
One of the top beards in the NFL. It’s a compelling look and provides the extra weight needed to gain an anchor advantage over 99.9% of NFL Offensive Linemen.
Photo from Vikings.com
#1 Mike Remmers OL
A Jedi Master. The beard’s size forces the edge rusher to take an extra half-step in the wrong direction just to get around it. Genius.
Photo from Brad Rempel USA TODAY Sports
There you have it. The best of the best.
Stay tuned for the 2018 Official Vikings and Fans Playoff Beard Rankings. Coming soon… hopefully.